I decided to return. Without any silly excuses or drama, but just like that...simply and easy. I was inactive for over half a year or something like that, for reasons that are both easy and difficult to explain. Depends on how you look at it. Although I may myself not really know them. It might be depression, middle age crisis or poor diet...who cares?
People think that someone with a chronic depression feels dejected for all the time and cries a lot...I think that's a wrong way of looking at the matter. There are many forms of depression.
It's obvious that you'll feel sad and sometimes you're going to cry, but most of the time all you feel is just an apathy, infirmity and discouragement to do anything. You're like an empty shell devoid of emotion...and you don't even care. I might think - "oh yeah, I've spent six months without adding anything, even though I have a folder full of already finished works, that are ready to show the world...but so what?" or "I don't remember when was the last time I've been talking or even seen any of my friends or tried to make a new ones. Hmm, I think I might not even have any friends left after I've been neglecting them for so long...but so what?" or even " It's been a while since I've drawn something, even if "before" I created a list of things I want to draw...but so what?" Although sometimes there are moments when I care for these things. For a brief moment they're less indifferent to me and I realize how much I feel unhappy and then I the inner pain and emotions arise. Not for long...soon the apathy comes back.
I can't try to persuade myself and justify my behavior by saying something dumb like "no one cares what I do and what happens to me right now", because there are people that really care. Especially my mom, who is afraid that I may have self-destructive or even suicidal tendencies, and who tells me all the time not to sit at home and meet with my friends. Only I do not know if I still have any friends or deserve to have them. I do not want to sound like some dumb teenager but in contrast to the "before", I'll probably wouldn't be able to get along with anyone "now".
I don't know what "now" or "before" rally means, but I feel that something has changed. Maybe it's the death of my father. Maybe at first it was easy to act like everything is fine, but after a while I've just had to crack. I don't want him to be the reason, because I won't ever let myself assign him any great importance in my life or any role in everything that's happening to me right now. The fact is somethings happened and while I may not know why or how, right now I'm trapped within my own apathy and I'm not able to escape on my own. At least I don't know how.
One year can bring a lot of changes in someone's life and a life of his beloved. I don't know how to be happy with my own achievements, but my family is doing fine and I'm happy for it. Heck, maybe I just need to hear from some random people: "you're doing great! How cool it is that you're work at the marketing department in the second largest bookstore's network in your country and that the results of your work are visible and palpable"...but I think I wouldn't believe them. Or maybe I'm just waiting for something or someone to shake me and make me want to do something with my life. I want to draw, but at the same time I'm terrified of even trying. I don't have to explain that - I'm sure there are lot of people who felt like me...or maybe I'm just generally fucked up. Am I really? Lately I think that might be the case.
I don't need comments like - "how nice you're back" or "everything is fine", because I would never wrote something like that myself to a person who didn't have a courage to come back earlier...much earlier. The returns are harder the more you put them off, so I've returned...but so what?